Carole reveals her hand

As she turns to drape her jacket over a chair, I read, on the back of Carole’s black sweatshirt:

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and spurs excite me

I didn’t know she was into horse riding! But now is not the time for a discussion on matters equestrian.

- Well?
- Yes, thank you
- No, I meant-
- I know what you meant. Look, I know you were expecting Lady Longlegs but it would be nice to be asked how I am
- Oh... how are you?
- I’m not so bad
- Er… and how’s Gary?
- He’s inside again
- Oh, I’m sorry
- I helped put him there
- Oh, well…
- Okay, I’ll put you out of your misery

And so saying, she delves into her handbag and produces a long, brown envelope. She hands it across the beer-stained table. I take it, and just stare at it. I recognise the curly-whirly handwriting forming the words George Turner Esq., but for some reason I can’t seem to move. Am I entering one of my ‘stuck’ periods again? I am soon jolted out of it.

- Well, go on. Aren’t you going to open it?

It is a letter from Anastasia, which I reproduce here, verbatim – except for a bit of editing, where indicated.

My Dearest Georgie

I am sorry for not to be keeping our arrangements as promised, but as you will see, there are reasons for this unhappy state of affairs. Anyway, I thought the next best thing was to have my letter brought to you in the personage of one of your closest friends (Carole of the Council Estate) instead of entrusting to Postal system of your country, which is nowhere near being a patch on that of my own dear land.
Anyway, to cut to the chaste, as they say – I am unable to come on account of us being so busy at the Fox and Gropes: yes Jake has changed the name to try attract the more gentrified client of the horse and hound variety. I have been promoted to manageress and it is I what have designed the smart black sweatshirts for all the bar-staff (boys included) of which I have asked Carole to wear one for your approval at the appropriateness of the logo.
Jake has paid for Carole’s train ticket plus a little extra for her trouble. Knowing how much you mean to me. He sends his best wishes and says how sorry he is that pressure of work prevents me from being at your side in your time of need. But he asks me to remind you of the old saying ‘The darkest hour is always the hour before the storm’ (I think I got that right?)
Now, I don’t want for you to be worrying for me. Jake is looking after me, and taking care of all my needs. He says that whilst I am under his roof he will make sure ‘I don’t want for any nothing’. It is such old world courtesy which – when I occasionally come across – endures me to your country. It more than makes up for the load of stinkers I generally find the English to be.
You are always in my thoughts. I often think of how we (edited)… and how long it was ago (edited) and cannot wait to wrap my long Swedish arms around your (edited) body.
I have to go now as Jake needs some service. We have now this bistro that does the panini and jackets plus the microwaved curries, with the optional extra on the side serving.
If you wish to ring me I would love to hear your voice. Only could you make it on a Wednesday evening (that’s when Jake does the ‘Quiz Night’).

Till we can truly make the earth move

Your loving Anna

There are tears in my eyes, and I look up quickly to see if Carole has noticed. But she is tucking into her scampi and chips.