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Confusion. That’s what I’m feeling this morning. A head full of confusion is what I’ve got. And a lot of it is due to getting up, then deciding it was too early, and going back to bed. A mistake. Like ordering that second bottle of wine.
I had two short nasty dreams. Same theme. I am ‘out of it’. An outsider. I struggle to find out what is going on. There is a college party but I don’t know where it is, or what time they meet. A friend gets impatient with me when I ask him for details. This ‘friend’ is a boyhood pal who was so shy and timid in real life. He is now a clergyman but in the dream he is a popular party-goer. When I press him, he says they are meeting 'at twelve' in the ‘George’ (a pub, but also a dream pun, which it would take too long to explain here.) What? I say, you mean midnight? Of course, he replies. He doesn’t ask me to go with him.
I decide I’m not going to go because ‘I always end up alone at these ‘do’s’.Why should I put myself through all that again?’
But the confusion is perhaps the worst part: How come he is so popular and ‘well-in’. He has only been at this college for a few months, while I have been here years. What am I doing wrong? What is it that I lack – that others have in such abundance?
I wake feeling depressed.
Once again, I find myself blaming the ‘only child’ thing. I think that when you are an only child you have nothing the measure yourself against, nothing to relate to. You don’t know where you ‘fit in’. You wonder what you are ‘for’, what your place is in the scheme of things. Consequently you grow up not knowing who you are – and that is the fount of your basic insecurity.
Of course, I am talking about myself. How can I presume to speak for everyone who has grown up as an ‘only child’. Nevertheless, I do believe that we share certain personality traits.
It’s well after noon, and I am still in my dressing down. Isn’t that decadent?
I shall finish this cup of coffee (I’ve already eaten the piece of chocolate) and then take a shower. Some mornings it is a real effort to have a shower, so I put it off for as long as I can; in this case by sitting here at the computer.
I have been given permission to go out this afternoon and see my friend, Jim (I’ve spoken to you before about him, Anna). He has been kicked out of his flat and is currently residing at the Salvation Army Hostel. Actually, I understand the facilities there are quite excellent. You have to pay, of course, but the rooms are clean and the food is good. I have made a mental note of this, in case I too am homeless at some future date.
How are Brian’s phlegm levels? I hope you are using that antiseptic hand gel stuff. I don’t want you catching his nasty germs; coming from Sweden you may be more vulnerable to English bugs.
Looking forward to seeing my (germ free) Anna
Love
George
Saturday, July 24, 2010
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2 comments:
I, too, am an only child and I can relate to everything you say. My 11-year-old yesterday also raised this issue - stating that her friends who are "only children" have these common defects.
My husband is an only child also. And we've discussed this issue at length but he says that he cannot relate (possibly because he grew up poor with all these relatives in close proximity).
We lose a lot, don't we? All this focus on us and pressure to amount to something is really not healthy but everything has advantages and disadvantages, doesn't it?
Ahhh..the George. One of my all-time favorite places. You really should visit sometime. It's lovely. The people are nice, too. Not at all like the dream you described. I hear that there is to be a crab-feast with homemade blueberry and peach pies for dessert on Saturday. At 4:00pm. You're invited. :)
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