When I was in town the other day I saw a man wearing one of those huge plastic aprons, with “Repent, for the day of Judgement is at hand.
And across the road, a man with a sign saying “Darwin was right. Repent all you Creationists before Natural Selection snuffs you out”
No, there wasn’t – but it was a nice idea.
And it got me thinking about Religion
When you think about it, if people were not afraid of dying there would be no religion. Religion deals in death – even though it sells ‘eternal life’.
Some people are so afraid of facing this great leap into the unknown that they will clutch at any bent straw; swallow any old load of nonsense, if it promises them ‘eternal life’.
I am afraid of dying – but I am trying to get along without religion.
I find it hard to conceive of a time when I will not exist. In fact, I consider it a damn shame if I cease to exist; what a waste of talent.
But I have to consider that if I can survive death then so can my cat; and so can all the other animals, and the worms in my garden, and all the insects and the fishes. And, I mean, where are they going to put us all?
This is not a trivial question. And here is another important question: suppose I have been married three times, my first two spouses having died, then to whom shall I be wed in the afterlife?
Ah, but – say the clerics – there is no ‘marriage’ in heaven (I am not so sure about Hell).
Oh, so it’s ‘free love’ then? ‘Fraid not – they tell me – you won’t need sex because you won’t have a body; bodies are only for this earthly plane. Fair enough. But my friend, Gervaise, says he lives for sex – so he’s going to be disappointed then. Best take Andrew Marvel’s advice to his Coy Mistress, and get it on while you can.
Also if you have no body then you can’t drink beer, or wine or whisky – so Come landlord fill the flowing bowl/Until it doth run over.
And you can’t ride a horse or a motor-bike, or swim or skate or play tennis. Then what exactly are we going to do? Sing hymns all day? Sounds bloody boring to me.
So you need to think carefully about the eternal life package they are selling you: read the small print, get a second opinion.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Wise words
“Always try to turn a disadvantage into an advantage.”
That is what my old commanding officer used to say. I never saw him again after his court marshal, but his words will remain with me always: a stirring precept by which to live one’s life.
And here I am, doing just that.
As you know, I am stuck in this place (which shall remain nameless) but I have discovered there is an ice rink in the town. So what have I done? I’ll tell you what I’ve done: I have enrolled for some skating lessons.
I have a great coach: Sam. She encouraged me, at the start, to take “little penguin steps”, and later showed me how to adopt the correct posture: “Imagine you have a spoon clenched between the cheeks of your arse”, she told me.
I have had a couple of nasty falls. It has shaken my confidence but I hope to get this back by keeping at it – the skating, that is.
Oh, and I am on a course of antibiotics – no, it isn’t for some sexually transmitted disease: a gum infection. I can’t drink alcohol whilst on these tablets but I have only got one more day to go. Anyway, I am feeling much better.
I have a lot more to say but will leave it at this for tonight.
That is what my old commanding officer used to say. I never saw him again after his court marshal, but his words will remain with me always: a stirring precept by which to live one’s life.
And here I am, doing just that.
As you know, I am stuck in this place (which shall remain nameless) but I have discovered there is an ice rink in the town. So what have I done? I’ll tell you what I’ve done: I have enrolled for some skating lessons.
I have a great coach: Sam. She encouraged me, at the start, to take “little penguin steps”, and later showed me how to adopt the correct posture: “Imagine you have a spoon clenched between the cheeks of your arse”, she told me.
I have had a couple of nasty falls. It has shaken my confidence but I hope to get this back by keeping at it – the skating, that is.
Oh, and I am on a course of antibiotics – no, it isn’t for some sexually transmitted disease: a gum infection. I can’t drink alcohol whilst on these tablets but I have only got one more day to go. Anyway, I am feeling much better.
I have a lot more to say but will leave it at this for tonight.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
FOR SYDNEY
(This post is for my son Sydney. It is the only way we can communicate during these troubled times. So if you are not my son Sydney – don’t read it. Thank you.)
Hello son. Good to see you have your Dad’s interests at heart. But hey – don’t be so downbeat: it will take more than a bunch of fading porn actors to put the frighteners on me.
I’d best not ring though –even from a pay phone. You never know with these Scandinavian buggers: they might have one of their illegal immigrants working for British Telecoms.
No, this is by far the best way to communicate, for the time being.
Anyway, Syd, let us apply our minds to more filial matters: how are you keeping? You must remember to take your vitamin capsules, even though it is May – especially having to exist on that diet of herrings.
And I feel the need to touch upon a rather delicate matter: SEX. I do hope you are practising the safe variety. I fear you may be in some danger, living as you do, in a hotbed of vice and corruption. Just remember everything your dad has told you – and you won’t go far wrong. (if you do go wrong… well there are plenty of clinics over there)
There is not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. Only this afternoon, I was recalling the night you were conceived: New Year’s Eve, it was – and the condom machine in the pub toilets had run out.
Still, as they say, “It’s an ill wind…”
Look after yourself – and “chin up”.
Hello son. Good to see you have your Dad’s interests at heart. But hey – don’t be so downbeat: it will take more than a bunch of fading porn actors to put the frighteners on me.
I’d best not ring though –even from a pay phone. You never know with these Scandinavian buggers: they might have one of their illegal immigrants working for British Telecoms.
No, this is by far the best way to communicate, for the time being.
Anyway, Syd, let us apply our minds to more filial matters: how are you keeping? You must remember to take your vitamin capsules, even though it is May – especially having to exist on that diet of herrings.
And I feel the need to touch upon a rather delicate matter: SEX. I do hope you are practising the safe variety. I fear you may be in some danger, living as you do, in a hotbed of vice and corruption. Just remember everything your dad has told you – and you won’t go far wrong. (if you do go wrong… well there are plenty of clinics over there)
There is not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. Only this afternoon, I was recalling the night you were conceived: New Year’s Eve, it was – and the condom machine in the pub toilets had run out.
Still, as they say, “It’s an ill wind…”
Look after yourself – and “chin up”.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Do you remember Ghandi?
You know - that bloke in India? He used to go round burying other people’s shit, in the hope that they would catch on and bury their own - and so reduce the amount of typhoid, dysentery and other diseases in that plague- ridden land.
They shot him.
I sometimes think I am like Ghandi: taking responsibility for other people’s shit.
But I have had enough, I can tell you. From now on it’s ‘Looking out for Number One’.
I am still travelling by public transport whenever possible in order to preserve the life of the car (the noise from the differential is getting louder with every journey). I know you think it is a bit of a come-down for a man of my social standing, but there are bonuses: I am getting more exercise by walking to and from bus stops, and although it’s a bit knackering, I intend to stick at it because I want to lose some weight. Not that I am obese or anything - I just want to be lean and fit.
Also, as I have previously mentioned, you get to meet the public – and I like ‘people-watching’. I try to imagine what someone’s life is like. What they might be going home to: a night of passion? a domestic fight? soap operas on the telly? the bottle and oblivion? a lonely, empty house?
Bus drivers too. Now they vary enormously. Some are pleasant, with a smile and a word of greeting; others are surly, resentful – as if you – the passenger - have intruded on what would have otherwise been a quiet drive out in the country.
I sometimes wonder if a person’s life can be read in their face. Hang on, I’ll have a look in the mirror –
Yes, it definitely can!
They shot him.
I sometimes think I am like Ghandi: taking responsibility for other people’s shit.
But I have had enough, I can tell you. From now on it’s ‘Looking out for Number One’.
I am still travelling by public transport whenever possible in order to preserve the life of the car (the noise from the differential is getting louder with every journey). I know you think it is a bit of a come-down for a man of my social standing, but there are bonuses: I am getting more exercise by walking to and from bus stops, and although it’s a bit knackering, I intend to stick at it because I want to lose some weight. Not that I am obese or anything - I just want to be lean and fit.
Also, as I have previously mentioned, you get to meet the public – and I like ‘people-watching’. I try to imagine what someone’s life is like. What they might be going home to: a night of passion? a domestic fight? soap operas on the telly? the bottle and oblivion? a lonely, empty house?
Bus drivers too. Now they vary enormously. Some are pleasant, with a smile and a word of greeting; others are surly, resentful – as if you – the passenger - have intruded on what would have otherwise been a quiet drive out in the country.
I sometimes wonder if a person’s life can be read in their face. Hang on, I’ll have a look in the mirror –
Yes, it definitely can!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I WONDER...
I wonder if it’s because I’ve reduced the meds? Why I am feeling so glum, I mean. I just decided to do it off my own bat – I thought, I don’t want a brain marinated in fluoxetine.
But I may have made a mistake: some say that when you reach a certain age and you have been on Prozac for years, you need to stay on it – forever.
I have noticed a marked increase in libido since I have halved the dose. I have also noticed increased irritability and mood swings.
I could go to see one of those people… what are they called? … Doctors! But I don’t want to go down that road again.
I’ll see how this road bends.
It’s difficult to know whether it is the reduction in the meds or the traumatic events in my life that have led to this dip in mood. Well it is more than a dip – much more. It is a sort of permanent state of realization of how things really are. And don’t tell me we can never know how things really are – I studied metaphysics too: I know it is ‘all down to one’s perspective’. I wonder whether that’s what they said on the Somme in 1916?
This glumness, now; this state of realization. I am not just talking about the fact that some Swedish nutter is out to get me. That was all a misunderstanding, which can soon be straightened out – if they don’t straighten me out first.
I’ll go to the police. That’s what I’ll do. Demand police protection.
But wait a minute – would that be wise? They would start asking questions. Poking around. And there are some things that are best left undisturbed, so to speak. Some stones best left unturned.
I’ll do nothing for the moment. I’m not afraid of Sven and his gang of turnip heads – anyway, they don’t know where I am.
(exit singing: 'Always look on the bright side of life...'
But I may have made a mistake: some say that when you reach a certain age and you have been on Prozac for years, you need to stay on it – forever.
I have noticed a marked increase in libido since I have halved the dose. I have also noticed increased irritability and mood swings.
I could go to see one of those people… what are they called? … Doctors! But I don’t want to go down that road again.
I’ll see how this road bends.
It’s difficult to know whether it is the reduction in the meds or the traumatic events in my life that have led to this dip in mood. Well it is more than a dip – much more. It is a sort of permanent state of realization of how things really are. And don’t tell me we can never know how things really are – I studied metaphysics too: I know it is ‘all down to one’s perspective’. I wonder whether that’s what they said on the Somme in 1916?
This glumness, now; this state of realization. I am not just talking about the fact that some Swedish nutter is out to get me. That was all a misunderstanding, which can soon be straightened out – if they don’t straighten me out first.
I’ll go to the police. That’s what I’ll do. Demand police protection.
But wait a minute – would that be wise? They would start asking questions. Poking around. And there are some things that are best left undisturbed, so to speak. Some stones best left unturned.
I’ll do nothing for the moment. I’m not afraid of Sven and his gang of turnip heads – anyway, they don’t know where I am.
(exit singing: 'Always look on the bright side of life...'
Sunday, May 04, 2008
MADE IN CHINA
Isn’t public transport wonderful? I mean you just get on a bus, sit down and it takes you where you want to go.
You can look out the window, daydream, you can even doze if you want to. You don’t have to concentrate, like you do when you are driving a car or riding a motorbike.
And – you get to meet the public: the great unwashed, as someone unkindly called them.
Take yesterday, for instance: a chap came and sat by me and immediately started a conversation. Now I like that. I know that some people hate to have their personal space – as they like to call it – invaded. Not me, mate; you can invade my personal space any time.
Anyway, he began by talking about the local elections, and from there we got on to the economy, and the threat of China, as the new ‘economic superpower’
‘Of course, everything is made in China, now’ he said. He paused. ‘Except my wife: she was made in Oldham’. He seemed to reflect for a minute or so, then, ‘Come to think of it, I wish she had been made in China – I’ve always fancied a Chinese bird.’
He got off at the next stop – which was lucky because I couldn’t think of a suitable reply.
I am exceeding glum tonight. I won’t bore you with the details, but if one could be ‘clinically fed up’ then that is what I would be.
I once said to a psychiatrist (I met him down the off-licence) ‘Surely you should be able to think your way out of depression?’
‘Ah,’ he replied, ‘but you can just as easily think your way into depression.’
I think I could have been a psychiatrist – trouble is, you have to be a doctor first. And I couldn’t manage that. All that peering at people’s bits and stuff. And then, the ones that come to see you with nasty diseases, and breathe all over you. Oh no, I wouldn’t fancy that.
There is so much bothering me tonight. A lot has to do with money – or the lack of it. It is more than that, though – much more. But nobody wants to listen to your problems – unless you pay them forty quid an hour.
So I will take myself off to bed, and see what the morrow brings.
You can look out the window, daydream, you can even doze if you want to. You don’t have to concentrate, like you do when you are driving a car or riding a motorbike.
And – you get to meet the public: the great unwashed, as someone unkindly called them.
Take yesterday, for instance: a chap came and sat by me and immediately started a conversation. Now I like that. I know that some people hate to have their personal space – as they like to call it – invaded. Not me, mate; you can invade my personal space any time.
Anyway, he began by talking about the local elections, and from there we got on to the economy, and the threat of China, as the new ‘economic superpower’
‘Of course, everything is made in China, now’ he said. He paused. ‘Except my wife: she was made in Oldham’. He seemed to reflect for a minute or so, then, ‘Come to think of it, I wish she had been made in China – I’ve always fancied a Chinese bird.’
He got off at the next stop – which was lucky because I couldn’t think of a suitable reply.
I am exceeding glum tonight. I won’t bore you with the details, but if one could be ‘clinically fed up’ then that is what I would be.
I once said to a psychiatrist (I met him down the off-licence) ‘Surely you should be able to think your way out of depression?’
‘Ah,’ he replied, ‘but you can just as easily think your way into depression.’
I think I could have been a psychiatrist – trouble is, you have to be a doctor first. And I couldn’t manage that. All that peering at people’s bits and stuff. And then, the ones that come to see you with nasty diseases, and breathe all over you. Oh no, I wouldn’t fancy that.
There is so much bothering me tonight. A lot has to do with money – or the lack of it. It is more than that, though – much more. But nobody wants to listen to your problems – unless you pay them forty quid an hour.
So I will take myself off to bed, and see what the morrow brings.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Armageddon
Just had a 'pop up' warning me that my modem had been started outside a re-boot!
I didn't know what this meant so I just clicked 'ok'.
I could have caused untold trouble - I might get cut off from the Internet, loose all my files, whatever... I don't know.
I think it is time to go travelling - on a bus. We don't have a 'Greyhound' like in America - ours is called a 'Whippet'.
I need to get away from people.
I shall be leaving as soon as I close the laptop lid. I haven't got time to pack anything, so I shall have to return before midnight. Unless I find someone to put me up.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
George
I didn't know what this meant so I just clicked 'ok'.
I could have caused untold trouble - I might get cut off from the Internet, loose all my files, whatever... I don't know.
I think it is time to go travelling - on a bus. We don't have a 'Greyhound' like in America - ours is called a 'Whippet'.
I need to get away from people.
I shall be leaving as soon as I close the laptop lid. I haven't got time to pack anything, so I shall have to return before midnight. Unless I find someone to put me up.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
George
Friday, May 02, 2008
I CAN PUT IT BEHIND ME NOW
You may be wondering why I don’t mention some of the characters whose doings have featured in these pages over the years.
The reason is I want to put all of that behind me and start anew.
They say everyone comes with baggage – well now I am travelling light.
Yes, I have been disrespected, mistreated, abused. But I hold no grudges (though I still bear the scars – hopefully these will heal over time).
Unfortunately, there are certain others who are not prepared to ‘bury the past’ - that is why I am unable to reveal my exact location at this juncture. But I am hoping that soon I shall be able to step out of the shadows and into the spotlight.
Meanwhile, I am turning my mind to more serious subjects than I have in the past. This is all part of the new life I am forging out of the flames of the old.
It is the local elections in this place (which shall – for the moment – be nameless) and I am going to put my cross in the appropriate box. I have given the matter some consideration, and I am going to vote for the woman. She looks the most attractive of the bunch.
I predict that the Conservatives will get nearly 50% of the vote.
The reason is I want to put all of that behind me and start anew.
They say everyone comes with baggage – well now I am travelling light.
Yes, I have been disrespected, mistreated, abused. But I hold no grudges (though I still bear the scars – hopefully these will heal over time).
Unfortunately, there are certain others who are not prepared to ‘bury the past’ - that is why I am unable to reveal my exact location at this juncture. But I am hoping that soon I shall be able to step out of the shadows and into the spotlight.
Meanwhile, I am turning my mind to more serious subjects than I have in the past. This is all part of the new life I am forging out of the flames of the old.
It is the local elections in this place (which shall – for the moment – be nameless) and I am going to put my cross in the appropriate box. I have given the matter some consideration, and I am going to vote for the woman. She looks the most attractive of the bunch.
I predict that the Conservatives will get nearly 50% of the vote.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
DON'T CALL ME A CULT
My agent tells me that because of the huge following I am attracting here in Blogland, I am becoming something of a cult.
No way, I said. I am just an ordinary guy who wants to share his philosophy with the world. I am not a cult.
Well, he said, that's a matter of opinion.
We left it there as I had a dental appointment.
Funnily enough, though, you know the trouble we have had in selling Wynorrin, because of the slump in the housing market? Well, I have just recieved a handsome offer from a religious sect: The Seventh Day Adventriloquists; they speak in tongues - without moving their lips.
If you don't believe me, log on to their website: www.dummies.org.uk.
I'm not going to accept the offer. They are a cult, and I do not want the family home sullied with that sort of thing.
Anyway, I am not keen on religion, whatever the flavour. More on this later.
No way, I said. I am just an ordinary guy who wants to share his philosophy with the world. I am not a cult.
Well, he said, that's a matter of opinion.
We left it there as I had a dental appointment.
Funnily enough, though, you know the trouble we have had in selling Wynorrin, because of the slump in the housing market? Well, I have just recieved a handsome offer from a religious sect: The Seventh Day Adventriloquists; they speak in tongues - without moving their lips.
If you don't believe me, log on to their website: www.dummies.org.uk.
I'm not going to accept the offer. They are a cult, and I do not want the family home sullied with that sort of thing.
Anyway, I am not keen on religion, whatever the flavour. More on this later.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
BOO!
I would like to thank all those people who have sent cards, ‘get well’ messages and (in one case) flowers!
And to those that haven’t – up yours.
I would also like to contradict reports in certain newspapers that I am going to sue the St Moritz Tobogganing Club.
Not true. I accept full responsibility for what happened.
When one embarks on the Cresta Run one is given a full breakdown (bad choice of words) on the dangers attached thereto.
They even told me about that poor chap who hit a marker post and lost a foot. They found it, buried in the snow, but it was too late to stitch it on again. It did not deter him. In fact 'Shorty' is now one of the club's most popular members - along with 'Lefty', 'Squinty' and'Fingers'.
One good thing though: I ‘went out’ at Shuttlecock, and this entitles me to become a member of the Shuttlecock Club and wear a Shuttlecock tie.
I don’t normally wear a tie but perhaps I could use this one to hold my trousers up. How’s that for style?
I have been doing a bit of browsing and here are some blogs I have come across:
www.sparrowchat.blogspot.com
www.littlepenguinsteps.blogspot.com
www.skeptico.blogspot.com
www.effectwithoutcause.blogspot.com
They do witter on a bit, but when you’ve got nothing to do you will read anything.
And to those that haven’t – up yours.
I would also like to contradict reports in certain newspapers that I am going to sue the St Moritz Tobogganing Club.
Not true. I accept full responsibility for what happened.
When one embarks on the Cresta Run one is given a full breakdown (bad choice of words) on the dangers attached thereto.
They even told me about that poor chap who hit a marker post and lost a foot. They found it, buried in the snow, but it was too late to stitch it on again. It did not deter him. In fact 'Shorty' is now one of the club's most popular members - along with 'Lefty', 'Squinty' and'Fingers'.
One good thing though: I ‘went out’ at Shuttlecock, and this entitles me to become a member of the Shuttlecock Club and wear a Shuttlecock tie.
I don’t normally wear a tie but perhaps I could use this one to hold my trousers up. How’s that for style?
I have been doing a bit of browsing and here are some blogs I have come across:
www.sparrowchat.blogspot.com
www.littlepenguinsteps.blogspot.com
www.skeptico.blogspot.com
www.effectwithoutcause.blogspot.com
They do witter on a bit, but when you’ve got nothing to do you will read anything.
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