Wednesday, April 20, 2005
an interim period
It's quiet here at the moment. The lull before the storm in a teacup - as my old mum used to say. She had some great sayings: the world is your lobster; if it weren't for your dad; don't let me hear that word again.
The Swedish tart stays in her bedroom playing 'Bjork' at full blast. Says it reminds her of her beloved country. I said to her: You silly Swedish tart, Bjork is from Iceland. She swore at me in Spanish. Now what's all that about!
Syd's disappeared again. I'm not worrying though. I've realised that I have more to do with my life than worry about people. Who was it who said that you should go through life with Death sitting on your shoulder. That way you will make the most of it. (Life, not death)
The lesbian has started picking her nose again - at the dinner table. I ask you. I have complained of course, but she says if I don't like it I can eat in the garage. I think I might, at that - when the weather gets a little warmer.
You know, I deserve more out of life that this. I mean all I want is for everybody to be happy - everybody. And yet I seem to attract nothing but aggravation. Where am I going wrong? Can anyone tell me?
Yours in bewilderment
George
The Swedish tart stays in her bedroom playing 'Bjork' at full blast. Says it reminds her of her beloved country. I said to her: You silly Swedish tart, Bjork is from Iceland. She swore at me in Spanish. Now what's all that about!
Syd's disappeared again. I'm not worrying though. I've realised that I have more to do with my life than worry about people. Who was it who said that you should go through life with Death sitting on your shoulder. That way you will make the most of it. (Life, not death)
The lesbian has started picking her nose again - at the dinner table. I ask you. I have complained of course, but she says if I don't like it I can eat in the garage. I think I might, at that - when the weather gets a little warmer.
You know, I deserve more out of life that this. I mean all I want is for everybody to be happy - everybody. And yet I seem to attract nothing but aggravation. Where am I going wrong? Can anyone tell me?
Yours in bewilderment
George
Monday, April 11, 2005
Early morning thoughts
The lesbian says I should see a psychotherapist. Just because I came down to breakfast and remarked that I felt menaced by the tea-pot. It is a particularly large one, given to us as a wedding present by her mother.
I am not going of course. I agree with Sam Goldwyn: Anyone who visits a psychotherapist needs his head examining.
They have got a new condom machine in the toilets at the 'Jolly Pervert'. You have a choice of 4 - one of them being labelled "extra safe". And the thought crossed my mind: does that mean that the others are less safe?
I said to old whatsname - the landlady who chucked me out that time - that really the others should be labelled too. For example, "Fairly Safe", "A Bit Risky" and "You're Taking A Chance". Something like that.
She gave me that withering stare, for which she is famous - along with her dumplings, of course.
Isn't life a bugger, sometimes.
George
I am not going of course. I agree with Sam Goldwyn: Anyone who visits a psychotherapist needs his head examining.
They have got a new condom machine in the toilets at the 'Jolly Pervert'. You have a choice of 4 - one of them being labelled "extra safe". And the thought crossed my mind: does that mean that the others are less safe?
I said to old whatsname - the landlady who chucked me out that time - that really the others should be labelled too. For example, "Fairly Safe", "A Bit Risky" and "You're Taking A Chance". Something like that.
She gave me that withering stare, for which she is famous - along with her dumplings, of course.
Isn't life a bugger, sometimes.
George
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A father's worries
I walked into the kitchen this morning to hear my son and heir singing:
"My baby done wrote me a letter -
Said she couldn't live without me no more"
I immediately gave him a lecture on the mis-use of the 'double negative'.
He responded with, "You don't know nothin".
It appears that some professor from the University of East Anglia has come out with the idea that the 'double negative' is quite acceptable as it "adds emphasis".
I told Sydney that I had not spent all that money on his education for to be hearing him mangling the Queen's English, like as he was doing now.
He just sniggered.
I left the room.
Wait a minute! Now I remember, he was actually holding a letter in his hand at the time. Don't tell me he has got back with that trolloppy single mum from the council estate. Where did I go wrong?
By the way, the lesbian has joined a feminist group. She was going on about the "barbarous practice of female circumcision" which is apparently still practiced in some parts of the world.
I asked her what this was all about, and she replied that it was to ensure that the women did not get pleasure from sex.
I was surprised, and remarked that all the women I knew did not get pleasure from sex.
She sniggered.
I left the room.
Yours in puzzlement
George
"My baby done wrote me a letter -
Said she couldn't live without me no more"
I immediately gave him a lecture on the mis-use of the 'double negative'.
He responded with, "You don't know nothin".
It appears that some professor from the University of East Anglia has come out with the idea that the 'double negative' is quite acceptable as it "adds emphasis".
I told Sydney that I had not spent all that money on his education for to be hearing him mangling the Queen's English, like as he was doing now.
He just sniggered.
I left the room.
Wait a minute! Now I remember, he was actually holding a letter in his hand at the time. Don't tell me he has got back with that trolloppy single mum from the council estate. Where did I go wrong?
By the way, the lesbian has joined a feminist group. She was going on about the "barbarous practice of female circumcision" which is apparently still practiced in some parts of the world.
I asked her what this was all about, and she replied that it was to ensure that the women did not get pleasure from sex.
I was surprised, and remarked that all the women I knew did not get pleasure from sex.
She sniggered.
I left the room.
Yours in puzzlement
George
Saturday, April 02, 2005
A fiscal upturn
Great news: received the cheque from the insurance company today. The question now is - what shall I do with the money?
I wasn't going to tell the lesbian but she picked up the post and recognised the envelope. Well, she is getting none of it. She says she wants a new kitchen. I said to her: you cook everything in the bloody microwave (or should I say, heat it up) and you want a new kitchen! If it weren't for the pub lunches I'd starve.
Oh, guess who turned up yesterday, large as life - the Swedish tart! The nerve of it. I was going to send her straight packing. Then she produced the snaps! Seems she still has the negatives.
She's in the attic.
I wasn't going to tell the lesbian but she picked up the post and recognised the envelope. Well, she is getting none of it. She says she wants a new kitchen. I said to her: you cook everything in the bloody microwave (or should I say, heat it up) and you want a new kitchen! If it weren't for the pub lunches I'd starve.
Oh, guess who turned up yesterday, large as life - the Swedish tart! The nerve of it. I was going to send her straight packing. Then she produced the snaps! Seems she still has the negatives.
She's in the attic.
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