Don't do it yourself

Haven't done any blogging for a while; I have been decorating. Painting the ceiling of the master bedroom. I had a hell of a job getting the cherubs in proportion... and don't talk to be about the bloody seraphim! On my back on the scaffolding for the best part of a week. Then she comes in and says: I think I would have preferred the eggshell-blue! I ask you.

Now then R.J., I appreciate your concern but I draw the line at attending one of those V.D. clinics. The old purple ointment was good enough for my grandad, and it is good enough for me. Besides, once they have you on their books, they start inviting you to the staff Christmas party and all that stuff.

Anyway, I told you all, although I am technically sleeping with the lesbian, the bolster remains firmly in place. And I haven't been down the Jolly Pervert for well over a week.

Oh, by the way, Syd's back. Old whatsername chucked him out. He's been moping about the place for days, but I told him: aim your sights a bit higher than a council estate, my lad. We had a bit of an argument and he said I was not a good role model. He reads too many books.

Well, must get off now, the bitch has just whelped.

George

Some recent developments

Still haven't got the scooter back. But old Wetherspoon has resumed duties down the local nick. The ECT has certainly helped. You would not know there was anything wrong with now - except for the occasional facial spasm.

Anyway, he was on the case pretty sharpish. He's set up an incident room in the village hall. And called in a "Profiler" from Penketh University: guy by the name of Crocker; Dave Crocker. He's a pretty weird character. Wears this sort of fur hat - all the time!

But he's come up with something: says the guy they are looking for is of a criminal bent; probably lives with his common-law wife, on one of the "sink estates"; has a grudge against the capitalist society because of the unfair distribution of wealth; a drug user (and probably a dealer); aggressive with sado-masachistic tendencies, also...... wait a minute! I recognise that description - Gary, Carol's ex. He's back in the area. As soon as I have finished this I will be on the blower to old Wetherspoon.

Georgina wanted to return to the marital bed last night. Said the sun-lounger I have been making her use for the past week is doing her back in. I relented, but insisted on placing a bolster between us. Well, you can't be too careful.

Must close now and ring the nick.

Yours as ever,

George

Shakespeare was wrong

If "all the world's a stage" - when am I going to get a bleedin' part?

Things are going from bad to worse. I have had my scooter stolen; from an ancient Priory, would you believe. Is nothing sacred? I was absorbing the culture while someone was nicking my machine.

I have reported it to the police, and to my insurance company. If I don't get it back in 21 days they will pay a settlement figure.

I have another motor-bike, but the weather has been so cold of late that I have not been out on it. Well, I am turned 48 now, so I have to take care of myself.

Georgina is back. And she has picked up some pretty filthy habbits while she's been away. But more of that next time.

In the saddle

George