Thursday, December 29, 2011

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The days go skipping by
Like children
On their way home from school

Soon they will grow into years
And leave
Without saying goodbye

Monday, December 12, 2011

A poem for Christmas

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Leave me alone, Father Christmas,
I’m really not in the mood

For tinsel, holly and crackers,
And all that fake festive food.

The turkey doesn’t want stuffing -
And frankly, neither do I -
As the Christmas tills keep ringing,
I keep on asking WHY?

Why we go with this seasonal circus,
Jump through the same hoops every year,
When gentlemen have to be merry,
And so, drink gallons of beer.

And young girls lose all inhibitions –
Their virginity too, I’ll be bound –
To be single mums pushing buggies
When September comes around.

And chasing those ‘Special Offers’,
On stuff the big stores cannot shift,
As you elbow your way through shoppers,
On escalator;  in lift.

Those ‘Christmas Specials’ on telly
(Recorded in July),
Whose stars have flown south for the winter,
And bask ‘neath Jamaican skies.
                                           
And even those homes whose finances
At this time are terribly sparse,
Must have the traditional fairy
With a Christmas tree stuck up her arse.

So let’s hear it for old Scrooge, then,
Bah, humbug – and all that stuff,
I think I’ll go hide in the wardrobe –
Of Christmas I’ve had enough!


But hey, let's enjoy this time of year - let's enjoy every time of year!



Saturday, December 10, 2011

Sprouts

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I should have eaten more of my sprouts
At dinner 
Before starting on my pud
I know I should

They were a lovely colour
Bright green they were
The size of golf balls
But they were hard
And I thought sprouts which are hard
May be hard
To digest
So I left the rest

But that's the way they cook them
Nowadays
They tell me


There's a name for this kind of cooking
And they told me -

But I can't remember it

Anyway, I feared hard sprouts may harm
My digestion
- There's always a question
Mark about
One's digestion -
So I left some
Some of these lovely sprouts
So green and bright and
Fresh looking

Cooking them further may have
Spoiled the colour
Cooking them fuller
May have made them go
A pale yellow
And all  mushy

And now I come to think of it
They may have been more crisp
Than hard

Given another chance I would eat
All of them

Saturday, December 03, 2011

An avian moment

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To the anonymous gentleman who seemed to be suggesting that my Major Retrospective was a myth:

The only reason I am unable to give a firm date for the opening is because the new Assembly Rooms are not quite finished. There seems to be some dispute  between the builder and the local council. I believe it is something to do with the quality of roofing felt.

And as regards your comment that my photograph Is 'just a plug and a plughole' ... well all I can say, sir, is that you are a PHILISTINE.

I don't think you deserve to see any more of my work, but I am prepared to give you a second chance.


Here is another of my pictures to be featured in the exhibition: An avian moment

Friday, December 02, 2011

Some thoughts on personal hygiene

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Sitting on the lavatory this morning, I thought - I wonder who decides where the perforations should go in a toilet-roll; obviously the placement of the perforations determines the size of the usable piece.

The piece in my hand seemed very small. Now I have not got a particularly big hand but I felt this was really stretching things a bit: to wipe my bum with this tiny sheet and still keep my fingers clean.

Later I measured a sheet (another one – obviously). It measured 12cmx10.5cm. This seems sparse, not to say paltry, considering the job in hand.

Just who decides how big a sheet should be? Is it decided at a full board meeting of the toilet-roll factory directors? Or does the MD say at breakfast, to his wife – how big do you think a piece of toilet paper should be? And his wife - who is getting the kids ready for school - just says the first thing that comes into her head?

If she is a midget she will specify a small size.

On the other hand, if she is a very big woman, with massive hands, you will end up with a more generous piece.

There could, however, be some kind of standardisation between manufacturers? Perhaps even a British Standard for toilet sheets. Now, with the Common Market, we may even be subject to an
EU directive on toilet-rolls.  In which case the size is of a piece is probably based upon an average European hand size.

(It would be interesting to know if any studies have been done to establish a correlation between hand size and arse size. But that is straying from the present topic.)
Of course it’s not just the length – the width is also important. But I bet that is already an industry standard, because the roll has to fit any holder.  So obviously the paper makers are in in thrall to the roll-holder makers who, in turn, are constrained by the materials and machinery available to them.

 Standardisation all the way.

 And are we, the public, ever consulted? Not likely. Have you ever been stopped on entering a supermarket, and invited to ‘try a piece of toilet paper’ and then give feedback on size, texture, absorbency and so on? I haven’t.

Incidentally, regarding absorbency, when I worked in a factory many years ago, if you wanted to go to the lavatory you first of all had to get permission from the foreman. Then there was a man at the entrance to the stalls (which had no doors!) and he issued you with 2 pieces of toilet paper. It was that shiny kind (no longer in use, thankfully) with IZAL stamped across. 

Of course, it didn’t absorb anything. It just skidded off your bum. If you were ‘loose’ it was just too bad. You still only had two pieces. If you had diarrhoea you stayed at home. It would be an interesting study: how many workdays were lost due to the ‘2 sheet rule’.

But we’ve have come a long way from the squares of old newspaper our family used to have nailed behind the (outside) lavatory door when I was a boy. (of course we only used the ‘broadsheets’).
Today we have lovely soft toilet tissue (note the change in name) and many brands to choose from. Luxury!

So I salute the manufacturers… there’s just that question of the perforations.

Next week I shall be looking at the development of the sausage over the last half century.