Thoughts on suicide

There are worse places to die than in a library. Surrounded by books: slabs of entertainment, knowledge, other people’s thoughts. We have a good library here and I have just been sitting in it.

Gurdjieff had a library with no books. But, as I said to Ouspensky: Ivanovitch could be a bit tight at times, but I think he was right when he said: “People do not value a thing if they do not pay for it.” So obviously he wasn’t going to shell out for a load of books so that all these hangers-on could read for free. No, by having no books he was teaching them a valuable lesson: free libraries may be fine in the welfare state but we haven’t got there yet – so buy your own.

I’m a bit depressed tonight. I have had my fair share of neurotic illness in my time, I can tell you. I remember a psychiatrist once saying to me ‘Well, there is nothing more I can do for you.’ And I thought: Well that’s good isn’t it. The medical profession has washed its hands of me. What do I do now?
I just soldiered on. I did not make any ‘positive decision’ to turn my life around. I didn’t find a book that ‘changed my life’ (in any case I’d worked my way through the ‘Self Help’ section in ‘Borders’ long ago, and was thinking of writing one myself.)
I sat in my car for a bit, just allowing thoughts to come into my head: Well that’s it then, where can I go for help now? – I’ve already been everywhere; this is the last stop on the line – and I have just been thrown off the train. Suicide? Attractive idea, but killing yourself might hurt. I suppose it depends how you do it. I mean some ways must be more painful than others.

I remember an earlier time when everything was going wrong. I used to go and sit in my car, by the river. And I would try and calculate how fast I would have to drive to get a good trajectory off the bank and into the middle of the river. I mean, it would be embarrassing to just totter off the edge and be stuck there, with the water only coming up to my knees.
I never had the guts to go through with it - the logistics being so problematic.

Maybe some government department: say ‘Health’ or ‘Social Security’ or even the ‘Consumers Association’ could issue a ‘free pack’ – they are all the rage now: ‘packs’ on everything, from ‘Healthy Eating’ to ‘Making a Will’. Well, why not a ‘Suicide Pack’? Outlining the various methods – advantages and disadvantages and so on.

Another thought: a monthly magazine - ‘Which Suicide?’

Hello, here comes Greta. She’s got a large brown envelope in her hand, and she’s heading in my direction.