The wisdom of the ancients

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People are always puzzling about things. Like the pyramids. How did they build them? Do they have some links to aliens. And, coming closer to home, the mystery of Stonehenge. Who built it? Why? What is its religious significance?
And before you know it you’ve got a whole industry built around a couple of stone circles.

Well, there’s no mystery. I’ll tell you who built it: a bunch of lads from Amesbury. Why? Because they had nothing else to do: they had no tellies in them days, no iPods, mobile phones, no books, even.

I can imagine a conversation one Friday night, a long, long time ago.

What you doing this weekend, then?
Nothing, as usual. There’s bugger all to do in Amesbury now they’ve demolished the community centre.
Why don’t you come out with me and our Alan, and a few of his mates – we’re going to build a stone circle.
A stone circle? What for?
Well, exercise for one thing. And it gets us out in the fresh air.
No thanks.
There’ll be some maidens coming. Possibly virgins.
What time you startin’?
Depends on our Alan’s leg. It’s been playing up lately – all this fog and damp.
Well if he’s got a bad leg, what’s he want humping bleedin’ great stones around?
He has a vision.
Come to think about it, where are you going to get the stones from?
The old community centre of course.
The council won’t stand for it – you’ll need planning permission.
Ah, our Alan’s sorted all that out. The council’s only too glad to get someone to clear the site, and it fits in with their new initiative: getting the yobs off the streets.
Well, I might come, but no heavy lifting, mind. You know I done my back in with that plough-girl from over Emsley way.

Friday night – one year later.

Comin’ up Stonehenge tomorrow, then?
Another booze up? Nah – the wife won’t let me. And besides, haven’t the council put the block on all that after hours drinking?
Ah, but our Alan’s come up with a brilliant idea. He’s startin’ a new religion?
A new religion?
Yeah, you can get away with murder (literally) if you say it is the name of religion.
So what’s this new religion involve then?
Well, we all meet up at the circle, around closing time, with a few crates.
And then what?
Our god demands that we all take our clothes off (when we’ve finished the beer of course) and dance naked around the circle.
What, the virgins an’ all?
Well, obviously the virgins. They’re an important part in our worship – we have to sacrifice them.
What kill them?
Nah – that was in the bad old days. It’s like… more like their virginity that gets sacrificed.
You’ll never get away with it.
We will. It’s a religion, innit.
And where you gonna get all your virgins from? There’s precious few of them left in Amesbury.
Our Alan’s put flyers out – all over the county.
You’ll be lucky!
Anyway, when we say virgins – we’re prepared to be a bit flexible.
I should think you’ll have to be. Some of them I’ve seen your Alan out with, have been round the block a few times – or should I say circle.
You may mock. We have our faith.
And have you got a name for this religion, then?
We’re going to call ourselves the ‘Fluids’
The council will twig it – from the name – you’re just a load of drunkards.
Ok, so we may have to change the name, slightly.
It’ll never catch on.
You watch. Our Alan says that in centuries to come, tourists will flock to Stonehenge, especially at the solstice (whatever that is) and blokes will write books, full of bullshit about this being a sacred site an’ all that.
In your dreams.


I’m a bit glum tonight. And I’ve got pains in my neck and shoulder. On top of that it’s freezing cold. I hate the cold weather. It’s the only thing that stopped me becoming a lumberjack.
Anyway, I called at the pub on the way back. The Eight Towers – it’s named after a nearby power station that has eight cooling towers. Tonight I had a baked potato with cheese and bacon, plus a couple of pints of lager.
I know how to live