On the bus

I occasionally like to travel by public transport. It helps keep me in touch with ordinary folk.

My vehicle of choice is the omnibus. It is a novel experience to be able to sit there and have someone else drive you. You can look out the window and see things you never saw whilst driving a car or riding a motorbike. But, more importantly, for me at any rate, it is being able to study people. I often jot down my observations and thoughts in a small notebook, and I was wondering whether or not it might be appropriate to share some of these writings with you.

I will need to think about it.

I still drive of course. In fact, a few weeks ago I was caught on camera doing 37mph in a 30 zone. They give you the option of 3 points on your licence or attending this one-day course. (You still have to pay the fine).

I opted to go on the course. Yesterday it was.
You have a 3 hour ‘theory’ session and then go out on the road with an instructor. He said to me, before we started, ‘I don’t have the time to change the bad habits of 30 years driving, but I will point out to you areas where you might like to consider giving some attention.’
Fair enough. Of course there were one or two areas where I found room for improvement. In fact the whole experience, although hard work, was quite illuminating.
But it set me thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go on a one-day ‘LIFE Awareness Course’? Where, although the instructor did not have time to change the bad ‘living’ habits acquired over the years, he could give you some pointers as to where you might be going wrong?
I would apply for that.

Norah and I are still having problems. She suggested seeking ‘couple counselling’ but I tried that with Georgina; it was a waste of time. I jokingly replied ‘Why don’t we go on the Jeremy Kyle Show, as ‘a family in turmoil’? She accused me of being facetious (I looked it up – and discovered that I was).

I have nothing against Jeremy. I think the man is a saint. How he puts up, morning after morning, with that never ending stream of wastrels, whingers, spongers off the welfare state – not to mention the random breeding of teenage unmarried married mothers – without losing his patience, I shall never know.

Of course it isn’t just teenagers. The other morning there was a woman who had had five children with four different husbands. She obviously believed in job-sharing.

But even Jeremy sometimes reaches the end of his tether. Then he shouts at them, things like “Why don’t you get off your backside and get a job - instead of letting me and this audience pay for your £50 a day drug habit?’ And “Haven’t you heard of condoms?’ Or, “Well why don’t you learn to keep it in your trousers then?”
But you can tell when he has had enough: he says ‘Let’s get Graham on the show.’
And on comes Graham.

Graham is some sort of a psychologist, and Jeremy calls him a “genius” – even if he does have a silly little ginger goatee. (That’s me saying that last bit – not Jeremy).

And Graham will say something to one of these young layabouts like “You do not have a physical addiction. You have a psychological addiction.”
And you can see the poor guy’s face when he knows he’s been rumbled. And I’m shouting “Go on Grahame, put the boot in.”

But he can’t hear me because I’m not in the studio – I’m watching on telly.
Actually, I think I might apply to be part of the studio audience. I expect you have to ‘BOO’ when the producer holds up a card – and ‘APPLAUD’ when he holds up another one. But so what? I bet it’s fun. You’d get to hear all the swear words they bleep out before transmission.

Also you would see some of the fights. (The camera always cuts away when a brawl starts, and the bouncers are trying to sort it out; you just get a big close up of Jeremy’s face, with a sort of mystified look; as if he just cannot believe people would act this way – although he sees it every morning.)

What is the world coming to? I despair, I really do
















I occasionally like to travel by public transport. It helps keep me in touch with ordinary folk.

My vehicle of choice is the omnibus. It is a novel experience to be able to sit there and have someone else drive you. You can look out the window and see things you never saw whilst driving a car or riding a motorbike. But, more importantly, for me at any rate, it is being able to study people. I often jot down my observations and thoughts in a small notebook, and I was wondering whether or not it might be appropriate to share some of these writings with you.

I will need to think about it.

I still drive of course. In fact, a few weeks ago I was caught on camera doing 37mph in a 30 zone. They give you the option of 3 points on your licence or attending this one-day course. (You still have to pay the fine).

I opted to go on the course. Yesterday it was.
You have a 3 hour ‘theory’ session and then go out on the road with an instructor. He said to me, before we started, ‘I don’t have the time to change the bad habits of 30 years driving, but I will point out to you areas where you might like to consider giving some attention.’
Fair enough. Of course there were one or two areas where I found room for improvement. In fact the whole experience, although hard work, was quite illuminating.
But it set me thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go on a one-day ‘LIFE Awareness Course’? Where, although the instructor did not have time to change the bad ‘living’ habits acquired over the years, he could give you some pointers as to where you might be going wrong?
I would apply for that.

Norah and I are still having problems. She suggested seeking ‘couple counselling’ but I tried that with Georgina; it was a waste of time. I jokingly replied ‘Why don’t we go on the Jeremy Kyle Show, as ‘a family in turmoil’? She accused me of being facetious (I looked it up – and discovered that I was).

I have nothing against Jeremy. I think the man is a saint. How he puts up, morning after morning, with that never ending stream of wastrels, whingers, spongers off the welfare state – not to mention the random breeding of teenage unmarried married mothers – without losing his patience, I shall never know.

Of course it isn’t just teenagers. The other morning there was a woman who had had five children with four different husbands. She obviously believed in job-sharing.

But even Jeremy sometimes reaches the end of his tether. Then he shouts at them, things like “Why don’t you get off your backside and get a job - instead of letting me and this audience pay for your £50 a day drug habit?’ And “Haven’t you heard of condoms?’ Or, “Well why don’t you learn to keep it in your trousers then?”
But you can tell when he has had enough: he says ‘Let’s get Graham on the show.’
And on comes Graham.
Graham is some sort of a psychologist, and Jeremy calls him a “genius” – even if he does have a silly little ginger goatee. (That’s me saying that last bit – not Jeremy).
And Graham will say something to one of these young layabouts like “You do not have a physical addiction. You have a psychological addiction.”
And you can see the poor guy’s face when he knows he’s been rumbled. And I’m shouting “Go on Grahame, put the boot in.”
But he can’t hear me because I’m not in the studio – I’m watching on telly.
Actually, I think I might apply to be part of the studio audience. I expect you have to ‘BOO’ when the producer holds up a card – and ‘APPLAUD’ when he holds up another one. But so what? I bet it’s fun. You’d get to hear all the swear words they bleep out before transmission.
Also you would see some of the fights. (The camera always cuts away when a brawl starts, and the bouncers are trying to sort it out; you just get a big close up of Jeremy’s face, with a sort of mystified look; as if he just cannot believe people would act this way – although he sees it every morning.)
What is the world coming to? I despair, I really do