Horses and other things

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Good to hear from you Anna. I am glad you are enjoying your London Trip. Yes, the Changing of the Guard is indeed a splendid sight.

But as regards the horse you observed: The fact that the horse raises its tail before defecating does not necessarily indicate that the animal is intelligent. I mean it’s not as if the horse says to itself – I need a shit, I’d better lift my tail. No, it is probably a reflex action, a function of the autonomic nervous system of the horse, hard-wired in the horse’s brain over centuries of evolution. And natural selection has ensured that the tail-lifter survives, while the non tail-lifter dies out. Simple as that.

Coincidentally, I am writing a paper: The effect of barometric pressure on the large intestine. This has nothing to do with horses but has to do with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and me. I have noticed that when the weather changes it affects my lavatorial habits; rain and damp (i.e. low pressure) seems to cause a build-up of gas, resulting in bowel spasm and all that follows – which is a lot.
Unlike the horse, I do not have a tail to lift – which is probably as well. The amount of toilet paper (and the cost) is, however, somewhat alarming. I once read somewhere that if you need to use more than two pieces of toilet paper there is something wrong with your diet. I just cannot believe this. I do recall, however, that in my first job, as an engineering apprentice in a locomotive works, when you went to the lavatory (having first obtained permission from the foreman) you were handed TWO sheets of toilet paper by the man in charge of the bogs. He sat on a stool (a wooden one!) just inside the entrance and his job was to see that no one lingered longer than absolutely necessary. In fact there were no doors on the cubicles so that he could see exactly what was going on in there. (On reflection, I think that maybe they were concerned that employees did not masturbate in company time thereby depleting the store of energy needed for work. I stress, however, that this is only a theory.) The standard issue toilet paper was that thin, shiny, stuff that you don’t see nowadays. It was useless; it skidded across your bum and just spread the mess instead of cleaning it up. Still it did serve the purpose of discouraging shitting during working hours.

Yes, life is truly amazing. But death? Well, death is something else. I still have not come to terms with Auntie Edna’s passing from this life. I mean, just what is going on here? Is this Nature’s great conjuring trick? ‘The Lady Vanishes’? Now you see her – now you don’t?

I am glad that you read ‘The Flea’, and that Brian helped with the imagery. You may care to read ‘To His Coy Mistress’ by Andrew Marvell – he was another one who couldn’t keep it in his hose. Of course, they did not have television in seventeenth century England.

But where are today’s metaphysical poets? Letting my imagination run riot (which is what I do) I pictured a CHAV’s poem of seduction:

I am a man of words but few,
And that is why I ask of you:
Do you, girl? Or do you not?
Replied the maid – no I do not.
Well, sometimes,
Just a little bit -
All right, you’ve talked me into it.

You are probably snug and warm in your Purley flat by now, with a box of ‘Sweet and sour’ bubbling away in the microwave. We are having smoked haddock for lunch – with poached egg. This is a frequent item on our luncheon menu. I enjoy it, although the aroma sometimes lingers.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Your (frustrated) lover.

George.